Having the Hard Conversation

Having the Hard Conversation

Certainly one of, if not the most difficult, exercise in working with others is to have conversations around difficult subjects. You always hear that one should stay away from the “3rd rail” of conversational topics – Religion, Politics and “Do I look okay in this outfit?” come to mind. 

Yet if you’re in leadership in any type of organization, you WILL be faced with a situation with a direct report (up or down) that can be unpleasant and cause stress in the workplace. How you deal with this is critical to the culture of your organization and your personal wellbeing.  

Recently I attended a webinar sponsored by my Alma Mater Rochester College.  They’ve been very gracious in providing these opportunities for current students and alumni.  This webinar featured Sarah Noll Wilson and content from her book “Don’t Feed the Elephant”.  She is a noted author and speaker on the subject of business culture, leadership habits and how to engage with those you work for and with.   You can see more from her at https://sarahnollwilson.com/.

The hour was packed full of valuable content centered around recognizing the “elephant in the room” and how to deal with it productively.  I’d like to highlight a few takeaways that spoke to me:

• The Elephant should alway be called out – Avoidance of conflict will always bring short term comfort at a long term cost.  The benchmark of a good relationship is that they recognize and thrive in conflict.  Each understands their perspective can be broadened by hearing and accepting the viewpoint of each other.
• Healthy or unhealthy, your reactions to tense situations are determined by your past experiences.  Recognizing this can lead to self discovery and the ability to change your perspectives in the moment of conflict. 
• Failing to deal with conflict in the workplace (Avoidance) is basically “Feeding the Elephant in the Room” Some ways we feed the elephant are these: 
• • Acquiesce – To avoid having a hard conversation altogether. 
  • “Eggshell Walking” – Avoiding any direct words or thoughts that express how you feel. 

• Ignoring how you respond to stress:

• • Fight (self explanatory)
  • Flight (again self explanatory)
  • Freeze – Shut down. Often characterized by looking away or down at your notes. Maybe even turning off your webcam if you’re virtual. 
  • Fawn – Going out of your way to avoid saying or doing something that will trigger a negative response from others. (OUCH! That was my toe!)
  • Flock (Personal pet peeve) also known as the “meeting after the meeting” Where you seek out others to validate your feelings or opinions.  Sometimes this can be productive if the other person is helping you process.  If you’re just venting and they’re agreeing, you’re not going to get much out of that except the unhealthy  “I’m right and they’re wrong” mentality. 

 So how do you “free” the elephant and send it packing or “pachying”?  Ms. Wilson suggested the following:

• • Take the curiosity first approach – Curious about your reactions and feelings in the moment.  Curious how others are reacting and being curious about how the two are coming together. 
  • Prepare for your conversation.  Find common ground or a bigger idea to hang onto. Remember the relationship is what’s important, not winning. 
  • Invite the other person into the conversation.  Lead with “I feel like we’re avoiding something” or “I’ve been struggling with this and need to talk” are good lead-ins. 
  • Explore perspectives.  Ask the other person for their thoughts. “Here’s what I think, what do you think?” Is a good way to show you value the other person.

There was so much more and I encourage you to read “Don’t feed the Elephant” as a tool to help you work through conflict in your workplace.  Elephants take up way too much space. Don’t be guilty of letting them hang around.

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